01: It doesn’t start here…

It has been a while I wrote something casual rather than posting my YouTube uploads. Well, that’s casual anyway. In a video, I explained the way I am trying to build good habits. Writing is always an outlet but I was going back and forth from that habit. It has become a hassle when my academic works were piling up for a year now but I am learning to understand this is who I am; the one who speaks about his issues, the one who post videos on his insecurity, the one who isn’t so afraid to breach society’s call to “man-up”. Like Connor Franta mentioned in his memoir, “this is me spilt on paper”; well, in my case, it is my blog, video, art or any other medium where I express myself.

I am almost completing a year in Germany. The biggest decision I ever took myself. I am honestly so happy about how things turned out. This wasn’t easy but I don’t wanna boast about how tough life is for me because life isn’t fair for many of us. Although I can talk about a time I had to believe my depression and anxiety disorders won’t bite me back anymore, then how badly it failed many times which made me insomniac for days and months, the financial crisis that I constantly go through when I think of future although I never stop posting ‘my amazing life in a foreign country’ on every social media platform which includes shots from different social events which I attend once in a blue moon because I am depressed for the rest of the time; I gotta admire and appreciate the fact that I am making it happen and other people have it worse. And let’s not make it a joke by saying I am currently living in the capital city of Germany and I have a decent place to stay.

Why is life so unfair and complicated? You must be wondering why is this guy so upset about everything rather than try to enjoy whatever he has. I am enjoying the way I can. I am grateful for everything but I often jump back into the question of ‘what if I could find answers to my questions?’. What if my life was stable? What if the success that I seek was present at least in the farthest viewpoint I could see? It sounds so absurd. I get it. Sometimes I think of people in my life then I become sad about it. The loved ones that already passed away, and the ones who ghosted me and ones who don’t try to recall what I am trying to say. Sometimes I think of my career, where it felt like the right choice every time but then I feel not so satisfied with things and feel like I need a change. I think what I want is to be stable. Maybe I am just tired of the never-ending changes even if I am trying to grab whatever opportunity that I can. Moving into 5th city in last 7 years kind of reminded me all this.

I just moved in here before 2 days. It is an old building and I still have my apartment in the previous city where I lived before because this shift was unexpected and that apartment-contract was made for a year. So I am paying rent at both places. Life isn’t wonderful but life is more than okay. I am grateful that I am surviving without a panic attack. The last one was around 4 days ago. I tried to push it down then tried to contact a friend but apparently, that’s someone who doesn’t really understand the capability of a panic attack. I stayed still on my chair looking at my laptop, I tried to breathe although it felt difficult, I deliberately made an effort to think of it, I thought of everything that ever went wrong in life, I could feel my chest slowly losing the tension and pain it built up, I tried and tried until I became too sleepy to think of anything… Some YouTube videos help me a little bit. That night I utilised that option as well.

This city is big. It’s crowdy, polluted and very international, nothing like where I lived before. I missed it the moment I arrived here. I miss living in a small city in the north of Germany where people hardly speak any English, where either, things are easily accessible within walkable distance or fully unavailable, where I had my brightest and wonderful friends and our long conversations, our walks and the way I evolved myself into a new culture and became the best version of myself… Life felt perfect within all the imperfections there. But I gotta get used to this new big city vibes and maybe I will love it here; who knows. Anyway, I am ready for new adventures beyond my sorrows. I think this is my time to step up my game and pull my shi* together. I toughened up a lot in the last few months. I  hope I will continue doing so.

I am fascinated by how life works for all of us. How different our wavelengths are yet sometimes we fall into the same spectrum, relating each other’s misery and happiness. Being a human is a privilege and a curse. I am looking forward to exploring that privilege.


[…will be continued…]

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